


Let Our Hearts, Like Doors, Open Wide

by kataurah



Category: His Dark Materials (TV), His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Daemon Touching, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everybody Lives, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, M/M, Romance, Spoilers for Book 2: The Subtle Knife, Spoilers for Book 3: The Amber Spyglass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:00:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29294790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kataurah/pseuds/kataurah
Summary: “That’s part of the long and complicated story I need to tell you,” Jopari said, relaxing a little now that it seemed less likely Lee was going to try and leap out of bed. “The knife I’ve been telling you about? That can cut through worlds and will win Asriel’s war?”“And protect Lyra.”“Yes, precisely. Well...” He smiled fleetingly to himself, self-deprecating almost, Lee thought, like he should’ve known better. “It turns out my son is the bearer we were looking for.”
Relationships: John Parry/Lee Scoresby
Comments: 25
Kudos: 52





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so this is my real attempt to slot Lee and John into the beginning of The Amber Spyglass, because I like to spend as much time as I can imagining how they might have lived and how the novel could still play out. Turns out it's kinda hard since it's mostly Lyra and Will being chaotic good af and having their dads around wouldn't really allow them to do what they need to do. So this is me trying to find a somewhat believable way around that. 
> 
> And if there's a plot hole or a vague glossing over of info... a witch did it. 
> 
> Also, the title comes from 'North' by Sleeping At Last. I encourage you all to listen and cry with me about what could have been.

Consciousness came rushing back to Lee with a surge of pain and adrenaline, and his eyes flew open to see a face he never thought he’d see again. 

“Ssh, you’re alright. Be still.” Jopari was shushing him, talking quietly as he leaned over Lee and pressed a hand gently to the bare skin of his shoulder to keep him from jolting upwards. The man smiled, “Welcome back, Mr Scoresby.” 

“Lee...” Lee looked down his body where a rough spun blanket was draped over him as he lay in what he figured was a rudimentary camp bed, and there was Hester crawling upwards. She moved slowly, gingerly, but alive and alert and Lee’s heart ached at the sight of her. 

There were tears in his eyes before he could stop them and he was smiling, relieved, joyful.

“C’mere, darlin’.” 

He ignored the pain and the padding of blood moss and bandages over his chest as Hester burrowed into his arms. Her twitching, little nose nuzzled Lee’s cheek and he ran his fingers through her fur, over her ears, uncaring that they had an audience because they were  _ alive  _ and together, her heart still beating in time with his. 

“Thought for sure we were dead,” Lee choked with a shaky laugh. 

“It was a close thing,” Jopari replied, and Lee tore his eyes away from Hester to look at the other man properly this time. 

He was sat cross legged on the floor at Lee’s side, only half wearing a thick, flannel shirt, the other side draped over a shoulder that Lee could see was also wrapped in blood moss and possibly some kind of poultice; shaman medicine maybe. He couldn’t fail to notice that the open shirt revealed skin and tattoos that Lee hadn’t seen before, and he resisted the urge to linger with his gaze, meeting Jopari’s eyes instead, dark and familiar as always, but somehow... 

Now that Lee was  _ really  _ looking, it seemed to him that Jopari looked more relaxed and at peace than he’d ever seen him. Sure, he still looked tired and slightly pained and like the burden of knowledge was weighing him down, but there was a new light in his eyes, his brow less pinched, his lips still curled in an easy, soft smile as he watched Lee watching him. 

Lee scratched Hester between the ears, taking comfort in the feeling of her fully relaxed against him now, but kept his attention on Jopari. “What happened?” 

Jopari sighed like it was a weighted question, and Lee supposed it had to be. He wondered how much had happened and how long he’d been out. 

“What do you remember?” 

Lee shrugged and immediately regretted it, wincing. “Fading... Dying.” He looked down at Hester and found her bright amber eyes already watching him in turn. “Both of us.” 

“I’m sorry.” Jopari’s eyes held sympathy and understanding when Lee turned back to him. “We both knew I was likely leaving you to die in that gorge but...” He shook his head, aggrieved. 

“Hey...” Lee shifted his good arm, one hand leaving Hester even though she grumbled a half-hearted complaint, and laying it on Jopari’s where it rested on his knee. “Like you said, we both knew what we were in for. Likely ‘fore we even met. Before I even started looking for you.” 

“Before I summoned you.” 

Lee huffed a laughed, “Right.” 

Jopari’s hand was warm under Lee’s; he made no move to either take his hand in return or remove it, but somehow Lee could sense that it wasn’t unwelcome. The dark cloud had passed and the easy smile returned. 

“I’m still very glad it’s not a regret I have to live with.” He said quietly.

Lee chuckled again, “You and me both.” 

He looked down at their joined hands and had the urge to trace Jopari’s tattoos with his fingertips, so forced himself to simply give a grateful squeeze and let go. He could feel Hester staring at him. 

“Do you remember the cloud pine?” 

For a moment Lee drew a complete blank, his face no doubt a picture of confusion, until he forced himself to focus on what memories he could of those panic-blurred final moments before it all went dark. He remembered then: digging in his jacket for Serafina Pekkala’s parting gift to him, squeezing it in his only working hand and desperately wishing -  _ praying  _ \- sending out thoughts and pleas for the witch with all the strength he had left. 

“Serafina?” Lee murmured, barely able to believe it were it not for the fact that he was lying there breathing. “She came?” 

“She heard your call. Luckily she wasn’t only in the same world, she was nearby, she was with -“ 

He cut himself off and Lee frowned; he thought he could trust the shaman to not hold anything back from him. “With?”

Jopari sighed, “There’s... a  _ lot  _ I need to tell you, and I need you to listen carefully and remain calm and where you are. Can you do that?”

“You ain’t exactly inspiring me to say “yes” right now.” He hadn’t been worried before, but now Hester was tensed and restless under his hands, betraying his anxiety. 

His first thought was of Lyra. 

“I don’t want you to cause yourself pain or unnecessarily exert yourself, Mr Scoresby.” 

“Is this to do with Lyra?” 

Jopari seemed to brace himself, “Yes, but -“

“Have you seen her? Had news of her? Is she alright? Is she  _ alive? _ ” 

“ _ Yes _ ,” Jopari had shifted forward onto his knees to hover over Lee again, reaching out a hesitant hand but not yet touching. “Yes, she’s alive, and I  _ believe  _ she will not be harmed.” 

The fear coursing through Lee was shot through with anger at being given vague, half-answers and no details, and he struggled to sit up, even though part of him knew it was a stupid thing to do. He ignored Hester’s cry of “Lee, dammit!” and the burning pain spreading through his chest and to his right shoulder, the sudden throbbing at his temple, in his leg. Goddammit, how many times had those bastards shot him, again? 

“That’s not comforting me in the slightest, Mr Jopari,” He gritted out through clenched teeth.

“Mr Scoresby - Lee!” Jopari’s hands were on his arms, steadying him whilst avoiding his injuries, just as one of Lee’s grabbed one loose side of his shirt front. “You have to stop and just listen to me!”

“Where is she?” 

“I don’t know, not at this moment, but she  _ was  _ with my son!” 

That came so out of left field that Lee just sat swaying, staring at him dumbly for a moment, his brain not remotely having made any connection before between the two children. Jopari’s eyes were back to being dark and intense and so very close, Lee suddenly realised, closer than they’d ever been before. He tried to ignore his awareness then of being almost completely naked under the blanket, only his underwear protecting his modesty, and the heat of the other man’s skin on his as he gently, but firmly, held Lee by the arms. 

“Your... son...” Lee echoed, like an idiot. 

“Did Lyra and Pan find your world, Mr Jopari?” Hester asked the shaman, who jumped slightly at being addressed directly by Lee’s daemon. Hester, of course, was burning just as badly with the need for answers. 

“I believe Will took them there, yes, from what he told me. But they met halfway, in the world we crossed into from yours.” 

“How did your boy get there himself?” Lee asked, curiosity winning over frustration.

“That’s part of the long and complicated story I need to tell you,” Jopari said, relaxing a little now that it seemed less likely Lee was going to try and leap out of bed. Lee was fairly certain he wouldn’t actually be able to pull it off and would end up looking a fool, but if it’d meant getting to Lyra he’d have struggled on regardless. “The knife I’ve been telling you about? That can cut through worlds and will win Asriel’s war?” 

“And protect Lyra.”

“Yes, precisely. Well...” He smiled fleetingly to himself, self-deprecating almost, Lee thought, like he should’ve known better. “It turns out my son is the bearer we were looking for.” 

And with that proclamation, Jopari began to unravel it all for the two of them, and Lee and Hester listened in rapt silence. He told them everything Lee assumed his son had told him, as well as his own thoughts and conclusions as to how these events might tie into their own mission and the war that it seemed they all had a part to play in. He told them of the city of Cittagazze and the spectres, of the Torre degli Angeli and the subtle knife, how Lyra had lost the alethiometer in her search to know more of Dust in Jopari’s world, but that Will had won the knife and helped her retrieve it. He told them about how Mrs Coulter had been involved with the theft of the alethiometer and followed Lyra and Will into Cittagazze. Lyra’s mother, he said, was the reason she wasn’t there with them, with Lee; she’d taken her daughter and fled to her own world. 

“We gotta go after her!” Lee, full of renewed desperation, clutched at Jopari’s arm, steering clear of the bandages now that he knew the other man had also taken a bullet. “She can’t be trusted - not to take care of Lyra, not for anything. Whatever she’s doing, she’s only lookin’ out for herself and her own agenda.”

“You speak as if you know her.” 

“She had me tortured for a time,” Lee said drily, trying to ignore how Jopari winced and drew closer at that, reaching out and softly touching his wrist. “We talked a little; she leaves an impression. Wasn’t long before I found you, actually.” 

“The wounds you had,” Jopari said, eyes flickering over Lee’s face, where the bruises from Mrs Coulter’s interrogation had faded and been replaced by fresh wounds since. “You said it was the Magisterium.” 

“Yeah, well, she’s with the Magisterium when it suits her purpose,” Lee huffed. 

They fell quiet for a moment, sitting close and listening to the sounds of the small settlement they’d managed to find, Jopari said, when Will had cut a doorway back into Lee and Lyra’s world at Serafina Pekkala’s urging. Nestled in the shadow of the mountains, the small town was one used to occurrences of what Lee privately thought of as the magic of the north; the wilds where witches and shamans and armoured bears might roam. It was Serafina’s influence, and Jopari’s clear status as a shaman, that had granted them a safe place to rest. Now Serafina was flying ahead, Jopari told him, seeking other clans for answers and hoping to catch Lyra’s trail. 

“Is that where your daemon is?” Lee asked quietly, reluctant, for some reason, to break the soft hush that had fallen over them. “Is she looking too?” 

Lee had gotten used to travelling in Sayan Kotor’s reassuring shadow, knowing that her sharp eyes were far above, ahead or behind them, always watching, always focused and calm. 

“She’s with Will.” 

Ah, that made the most sense, Lee thought, considering how he would do that too, if it were in his power. If he could send a piece of himself, if he could send  _ Hester _ , to watch over the girl he loved as though she were his own daughter... But it was hard, and painful, to imagine being that far away from Hester. Jopari and Sayan Kotor were different - had made themselves different - but their bond was no less powerful, Lee had learned. 

“It’s almost strange, seeing him without a daemon,” Jopari said with a small, sad smile, “I never knew the joy of them that was missing in my world until I came to yours. I wish my son could have a soul companion.” The thought of a person without a daemon was so foreign, so awful to Lee that he instinctively shuddered, clutching Hester where she was now curled up at his hip. He remembered the horror of those children whose daemons had been cut away, existing as shadows of themselves; ghosts, as Lyra had said. “He  _ does  _ have a daemon,” Jopari continued, as though he’d been able to follow Lee’s thoughts by watching his face, “She’s just inside him.” 

“Can’t imagine it,” Lee mumbled, suddenly exhausted and more than a little heartsick that he’d come all this way and Lyra was being pulled further still out of his reach. 

“You really should rest, Mr Scoresby.” 

Damn it, the shaman really was getting too good at reading him. 

“ _ Lee _ , I should think,” He muttered, wincing as he tried - and failed - to lower himself gracefully back into lying down on the pallet. 

“Lee…” Jopari echoed, his hands still gentle on Lee’s skin as he attempted to help, “Then you should call me John.” 

_ John  _ sounded so normal to Lee, so seemingly at odds with the man before him, and yet… it struck him as something Jopari - John - did not share with many people anymore; that side of himself, the man he  _ had  _ been in another world, was kept buried deep down where he could learn to control, if not ignore, the heartache. And now he was showing it all to Lee. Or at least giving Lee permission to look. 

To an outsider it might seem small, but both men could feel something shift between them in understanding. 

Lee was already drifting and wondered if he imagined the soft touch that ghosted over his brow as John’s low voice reassured him: 

“I’ll be with Will, but I’m close, Lee, if you need me.” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day, friends. Join me in obsessing over fictional character's love lives instead of my own lack of one!

The pain was bearable... until it wasn’t. 

Lee was unaware that he’d even cried out but he must have done, for Jopari -  _ John  _ \- was there when he suddenly found himself conscious with his chest on fire. It was a terrible, searing pressure that robbed him of breath for a moment, and he panicked, reaching out grasping hands for Hester, for John. 

“Breathe, Lee, you  _ can  _ breathe,” John was saying, placing Lee’s hand on his own chest and taking deep breaths as though coaxing him to follow. 

Lee sucked in a breath that felt like swallowing pure alcohol, the air itself burning him from within. And again and again he forced himself, eyes locked onto the other man’s, focusing on the feeling of John breathing under one hand, and Hester’s little chest rising and falling beneath the other. 

“It hurts,” She eventually whimpered out loud to John, words that Lee would never have allowed himself to admit; not with such honesty and vulnerability. 

John had already been rummaging, one handed, in a bag at his side, and then he was pressing some kind of herb or plant’s leaves to Lee’s lips. 

“Chew, don’t swallow,” He directed, and Lee, half out of his mind with pain, let him feed them to him. 

The leaves were unpleasantly bitter on his tongue, but Lee did as he was told, and gradually felt a different kind of warmth spreading through him, waves that washed over the pain and dulled it. He realised his entire body had been tensed, drawn tight as a bow string in some fight or flight response to a hurt he could not run from, and allowed himself to relax against his pallet again. Eventually he spat out the green mush when John told him to, letting go of Lee’s hand. Lee, in his drugged state, was disappointed. 

“Well, shit,” He mumbled, “S’pretty bad, huh?” 

“That was my fault for not paying closer attention to your pain relief, I’m sorry.” 

Lee waved a hand, “Feel fine, now.”

John’s lips twitched, “I’m sure you do.” 

Hester - the dumb rabbit - had rolled onto her back in bliss as Lee absently scratched her belly.  _ Shameless _ , he thought, as though her act of submission and trust had nothing to do with him. 

“So’s long as I have them leaves a’yours, I’ll be ok,” He insisted, his accent more pronounced than usual. “Can help. Can fight.” 

“You’re healing. Quickly, thanks to Serafina and my own efforts. But you need to  _ allow _ yourself to heal, my friend. You’re not fighting fit, just yet.” 

“Pfft,” Lee waved his hand again, “Ain’t there some special shaman-y magic you could do?” 

John looked thoughtful for a moment before raising both his hands towards Lee, slowly. “There is something I could perhaps try? If you’ll permit me?” 

And, well, part of Lee just wanted John to touch him again, so he figured, “why the hell not?” out loud and watched the other man move into his space once more. 

He laid his hands gently - oh so gently - over the bandages at Lee’s chest and right shoulder, and began mumbling to himself in a language Lee didn’t remotely recognise. His eyes were closed, brow furrowed in concentration, and Lee let himself look his fill. No doubt John could tell Lee was watching, but in that moment it didn’t appear to bother either of them. It was as though they were each falling into their own trances, Lee’s one of studying the angle of John’s jaw, the slope of his nose, the dark smudge of his eyelashes against the curve of his cheek, and the shape of his lips as they moved around unfamiliar words. He’d never denied to himself that the other man was attractive - from the moment Lee had first laid eyes on him and practically felt Hester rolling hers for his admiring a pretty face - but it was his (literal) otherworldliness that had made Lee cautious. Before he’d gotten to know him, at least. Sure, this very moment was an example of how there was still so much mystery about him and the things he’d experienced, so much that was perhaps beyond Lee’s understanding (although he’d certainly seen a thing or two to challenge his worldview in the last couple of months) but Lee knew something of the heart that lay beneath it all by now. He knew something of John’s fears and regrets, his fierce determination and his endless search for knowledge; the way he loved his boy, even though he knew he had much to learn and make up for in being a father. 

And he found he  _ wanted  _ to know more. Lee wanted to know Jopari and John Parry and Stanislaus Grumman and any other aspects or faces this man wore. He wanted to be someone that John trusted with the truth of himself, and he wanted to trust John in return. Lee knew he was one with a tendency to love fiercely and freely, but trust was another matter. 

No one had ever touched Hester with Lee’s own consent in his life; he thought maybe - just maybe - John could be someone he’d allow to do so someday. 

He noticed then that John had become pale in the soft anbaric lamplight, and a slight sheen of sweat shone on his brow, furrowed with the effort of whatever he was doing. 

“Hey…” Lee whispered, unsure of interrupting, “I don’t want you healing me at your own expense, mind.” 

“It’s fine.”

“You’re shaking.” 

John sighed and opened his eyes, taking in Lee where he lay looking up at him. 

“If I could just...” He shifted a little closer, “Perhaps I could lie down? Here, next to you?” He sounded hesitant, “That way we could both rest and I could hopefully keep the energy flowing back and forth.”

Lee felt his heart quicken with something like excitement and nerves all rolled into one and silently willed Hester to stay still and quiet.

“Ain’t a lot of room, but you’re welcome to try,” He said, feigning a casual air, even as his head swam with a mixture of the drug John had given him and the man’s proximity as Lee made room for him. 

There was some awkward shuffling and muttered apologies, but then they were pressed together, side by side, and Lee took comfort in John’s solid warmth. Hester lay unbothered between Lee’s legs and, as he ran a hand over her ears, he wondered something aloud.

“Does it make you weaker? Being far away from your daemon?” 

John hummed quietly, “It did at first, when we were going through the trials of separation. It felt like my life force was being drained, and Sayan told me she felt much the same. But we persevered.” 

“Can’t imagine why you’d want to.” 

“I was pushing the limits of what my body and spirit were capable of. I was doing everything I could to learn more of your world and understand what had happened to me.” John rolled his head to the side to face Lee as he talked so Lee did the same, their faces separated by mere inches. “I thought if I could harness powers I’d never even thought possible before… perhaps I could find a way back to my family.” 

_ Family _ , right. Here Lee had been so wrapped up in whatever it was he was feeling he’d forgotten the man had left a wife behind along with his son. Did he still love her? Was he already imagining returning to her if Will could take them back to their own world? The thought of John leaving had Lee’s stomach turning to lead, an ache forming in his chest that had nothing to do with his wounds. 

“Perhaps it helped that I hadn’t grown up with the understanding that every child of your world has from birth,” John continued, unaware of Lee’s internal plight. “The sacred bond between human and daemon, the rules and taboos surrounding them… I had to learn that all for myself rather quickly. But it meant I had less qualms about testing that bond and figuring out ways I could bend the rules.” 

“Experiments,” Lee said, unable to stop himself from thinking of Bolvangar and grimacing. 

John didn’t seem offended, in fact he touched his head to Lee’s briefly in commiseration. “Only ever on myself. And I never forced Sayan to do anything she truly didn’t want, though she had to talk me down more than once.” 

“I can sympathise,” Hester suddenly piped up, adding, “Crazy stunts I’ve had to stop this one from pulling,” whilst Lee gasped in mock offence. 

John actually  _ chuckled  _ and Lee found himself thoroughly charmed by the sound, watching his face as he smiled with his eyes closed, open and unguarded. He felt his blood buzzing with warmth and desire and sheer affection, and when John opened his eyes again to meet his, the spark of their connection was palpable in the air. Lee, defences and inhibitions lowered, couldn’t help but be drawn in by this impossible man, couldn’t resist the magnetic pull he felt between them. 

John’s eyes were dark and hooded, flickering over Lee’s face, and the traces of his smile still lingered, almost teasing, almost  _ daring.  _

Lee leaned in and kissed him. 

There was nothing from Hester - not a peep - and she could usually be relied upon to stop Lee when he was about to do something monumentally stupid. So when he found John’s mouth soft and yielding, immediately moving to kiss him back, he stopped thinking altogether. 

The angle wasn’t perfect, laid on their backs as they were, but John rolled slightly onto his good shoulder, closest to Lee, and  _ oh _ , then it was much better; he parted his lips and kissed Lee deeper, sparking heat low in his belly and stealing his breath. Lee lost himself for a moment then, in the sweet slide of lips and tongue, the slight sting of stubble catching on his own, and just the taste and smell and  _ feel  _ of John, wanting  _ more, more, more -  _

Caught up in the moment, Lee tried to touch him, to reach out and cup his face, but pain shot down his arm and had him pulling away, reality flooding back in. 

“Shit -”

He struggled to sit up, head spinning, wounds flaring up again as he jostled them.

“Lee, don’t - it’s alright…” John’s voice sounded far away and for a moment all Lee could do was glare at Hester, who looked back at him, unapologetic. He swore if she’d had eyebrows she would’ve raised one. “Lee?” 

“ _ Sorry, _ ” He blurted, “I’m sorry.” 

God, if he could just put some distance between them, Lee thought, maybe he could get a handle on everything he was feeling, restrain himself, shove it all into a box at the back of his mind along with so many other things… But he couldn’t even walk. 

“Are you?” 

The question was simple, curious. There was nothing accusatory or demanding about it, and when Lee turned to look at him, John seemed calm, patiently focused on Lee only. He lifted a hand and, after a moment’s hesitation, rested it carefully on Lee’s wrist. 

“I -” Lee struggled to find his words, “You were just talking about your  _ family _ . Will’s here, you’re gonna want to go back with him. You  _ should _ , I mean… it’s what you’ve been looking for all this time, right? And I don’t…” He looked away, down to where John was touching him, like an anbaric current against his skin. How to explain that he was feeling  _ things  _ without coming on too strong or sounding like a fool? “I don’t want to start something here if it means eventually saying goodbye. And I don’t want to get in the way of what you want.” 

“What I want,” John murmured in consideration, and Lee glanced up to see the other man’s gaze resting on the same place, where they were touching. “Has never been that simple. If I’m being honest with myself and with you. If my family was all I wanted I wouldn’t have left in the first place. God, that sounds awful.” He dragged his other hand over his face but did not let go of Lee. “There was always more to see, to do, to discover. A drive not unlike Asriel’s, I suppose.” He smiled ruefully and met Lee’s eyes again. “I never wanted to tear down heaven, exactly, but I wanted to  _ know  _ all the things the Magisterium will kill to keep from us. The Magisteriums of all the worlds.” 

Lee wasn’t sure what all of this had to do with their current predicament and the longing for John he still felt thrumming beneath his skin. 

“So… what? You're saying you don’t want to go back?” 

“Part of me does,” John said, and Lee, guiltily, felt his heart sink. “But that part of me is clinging to a memory. So much time has passed, Lee. I mourned Elaine. I mourned  _ Will.  _ Ours won’t be a straightforward father son relationship, if I’m lucky enough to have a place in his life at all. He’s made that quite clear.” He sighed heavily, “After so many years, I had to let them go or lose my mind. And I would hope that Elaine found a way to do the same. But Lee,” His eyes were dark, imploring, and Lee was locked in the intensity of his gaze. “I look at you and I see… something I don’t want to lose. I see that same longing for connection, for home, for love… but also for the sky. For the unknown. You and I, Lee…” He rested his hand against the side of Lee’s face, thumb stroking the curve of his cheekbone, and Lee instinctively leaned into it. “I look at you and I can see everything we could be. Everything I  _ want  _ us to be.” 

“Dammit -” Lee muttered and, ever the man of action rather than words, threw caution to the wind, darting forward to capture John’s mouth in a hard, bruising kiss. 

John opened for him immediately, a quiet, rumbling moan sounding from the back of his throat that had desire rushing through Lee’s bloodstream, headier than any drug. And - despite the drug John had given him, despite his wounds and his exhaustion - he felt himself stirring between his legs and reached for John, awkwardly, with his left arm. 

It was easier to turn his body, sitting up as they were, but as Lee trailed a shaking hand up John’s exposed chest, the beautiful bared expanse of his throat and the sharp angle of his jaw, to tangle in dark, messy strands of hair, he could feel himself tilting off-balance. John was there though in an instant, his good arm curling around Lee’s waist from behind and supporting his weight. And Lee realised he  _ trusted  _ him; to catch him when he fell and no doubt in many other ways… but this was surely a good place to start. 

John’s fingers trailed over the bare skin of Lee’s back, tracing his spine, and Lee shivered, licking hot and eager into his mouth, tasting coffee and something clean and metallic, like fresh rain. But, inevitably, he shifted the wrong way in an effort to get closer and his arm and leg protested in unison, the pain making him break away on a gasp. This time, though, Lee rested his head in the crook of John’s neck, panting and feeling the other man’s pulse jumping beneath his mouth; he licked it and tasted the salt of his skin, revelling in John’s quiet gasp. He became aware that he was shaking, with effort and emotion and sheer, dizzying  _ want _ , and leaned heavily on John’s arm, still wrapped securely around him. John pressed kisses to Lee’s forehead and hair, and Lee thought if it were anyone else he might find it vaguely patronising, but with John there was only warmth and tenderness. 

Together, they let themselves drift into a quiet calm and then,  _ together  _ it seemed, they both suddenly became aware of a new sensation, a strange, tingling warmth deep down inside. Lee’s breath caught at the same moment John gasped next to his ear, and he felt… 

He raised his head to look up and was greeted by the sight of Hester being enfolded gently in Sayan Kotor’s wings at the end of the bed, the two of them whispering quietly to each other, Sayan’s keen hawk face bowed to Hester’s ear. 

Yes, it was the feeling of John’s soul touching his. 

For a moment they simply watched their daemons in their new familiarity and intimacy, contentment washing over them. Lee glanced at John and saw his soft smile before catching his eyes and grinning in return.

“They look good together,” John murmured, and when he nuzzled a little into Lee’s hair again, Lee realised the daemons were mirroring their positions, the way John and Sayan were facing Lee and Hester respectively and holding them from the side. 

Then Hester met Lee’s gaze and the peace was shattered: he knew immediately, from the regret and worry he felt resonating through their bond, that something was wrong. Beside him, John stiffened, shock and hurt evident in his voice as he read his daemon’s thoughts:

“Will’s gone?” 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said before, I'm trying to slot Lee and John into Spyglass without changing Will and Lyra's parts in the story. It's just hard to come up with a way to believably write them and _not_ have them immediately chase after their children. Hopefully what I've done works.
> 
> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated <3

“You  _ let  _ him leave?” 

Lee had never heard John so lost and confused; he’d always seemed unshakable.  _ He feels betrayed,  _ he thought, meeting Hester’s eyes once again,  _ and with good reason _ . He couldn’t imagine her doing something like that to him. He wasn’t even sure they  _ could  _ keep something that important from each other. It was an opinion held by some (encouraged by the Magisterium, of course) that openly talking to one’s daemon was considered childish behaviour, a habit that shouldn’t be carried into adulthood. But it had always been Lee and Hester against the world, so much of their time spent alone but content in just the other’s company. He wouldn’t want Hester to be silent for anything in the world. 

Despite feeling the tension in John’s frame, the way his body was suddenly coiled like a spring, ready to run after his boy, the other man still took great care to lower Lee gently back against the thin mattress before moving away, closer to his daemon. It wasn’t far, but Lee felt the distance all the same, helpless with wanting John back beside him as soon as he was gone. Hester, in turn, hopped back over into Lee’s lap and he stroked her to calm them both. 

John knelt before Sayan Kotor, looking up at her imploringly, perched still at the end of the pallet bed. 

“I know you want to go after him, but you must listen to me,” Sayan Kotor spoke gently. 

“How could you just let him go?” John sounded so broken and Lee ached for him all the more. “After everything we’ve - after all this time thinking him lost to us?” 

“ _ Jopari _ ,” Sayan Kotor murmured like an endearment, an apology, and Lee could hear how much this pained her too. “I believe that if you had heard Will make his case, you would have trusted him enough to let him go too. But Will was afraid you would not allow it.” 

Man and daemon stared at each other wordlessly for a moment, intent, and perhaps communicating on a much deeper level than Lee could witness, but he saw the moment John decided to hear her out. 

The tightness in his shoulders relaxed incrementally and he sighed, “Tell me.” 

“Will decided that he could not afford to wait to try and save his friend. Finding you… it seems he has realised some things about himself, about the journey he has taken to get here and what he has to do next.” 

“If he just could have waited, though. Just a little longer, I could have helped him.” 

“I told him we could help; he would not be swayed. But, Jopari,” Lee watched as Sayan Kotor spread a delicate wing towards John’s face and his eyes glistened in the soft lamplight. “The war has barely begun. There are ways in which we can still be of help to them.” Lee wanted to ask what she meant, but was unwilling to interrupt. “I could not promise Will that I wouldn’t tell you as soon as he left, I believe he knew that. But he also knew that we would not be able to follow him into another world, if he did not want to be followed. So instead he simply asked that I explain it to you, make you understand that he was sorry but -”

“He did what he had to do,” John said sadly, almost bitterly.  _ Like father, like son,  _ Lee did not say aloud. 

“ _ Yes _ ,” Sayan Kotor insisted, “His mission  _ was  _ to find you, once he knew you were alive. It was all he wanted, all he was focused on. But along the way, his fate became entwined with Lyra’s and now  _ she  _ is his mission. Protecting her, helping her fulfill her purpose. It is everything you wanted from the bearer of the knife, Lee Scoresby,” Lee jumped as the osprey daemon suddenly turned her sharp, discerning gaze on him, feeling connected to her in a new way, much as he did her human. “Will wields the knife,” She looked back to John, “He is his own man, he is strong, you know this. Just as I know going after him would tear you apart.” 

John held her gaze for a moment longer before he hung his head, nodding once, with a great, shuddering sigh. He seemed resigned, anguished, and when Sayan Kotor looked pointedly at Lee again, her eyes flickering to Hester in his lap, he understood what she was saying. 

“Hey,  _ no. _ ” He struggled into a sitting position once more, feeling more and more like a useless burden with every passing second. Like hell would he be the thing that stood between John and his son. “No, I won’t be the reason, John. You can’t stay, you have to go after him. You only just got him back. You can’t wait for me, you know it.” There was a selfish voice inside of Lee that desperately did not want to let John go, but he knew he  _ had  _ to ignore it. “Sayan said it: you won’t be able to track Will if he cuts a window.”

“Lee…” There were still tears in John’s eyes as he shook his head, getting to his feet and returning to Lee’s side, Sayan Kotor following and shuffling into Hester’s orbit. 

“Then we’ll both go. Now.” 

They’d been  _ so close _ , and Lee knew that if they lost Will now they’d lose Lyra too. He twisted to get his good leg beneath him in the hopes of pushing himself to his feet. 

“Lee, don’t be an idiot, you can’t even walk!” Hester cried, refusing to budge from his lap and putting her front paws on his chest; they both winced at the resulting flare of pain. 

“We’ll figure out a way around it, it’s what we’re good at -” He broke off with a gasp as his wounded leg protested too, wobbling on his knees in the centre of the bed and instinctively holding onto John the same time the shaman reached for him. 

“Lee, please stop, you’re going to hurt yourself!”

With the slightest pressure he urged a panting Lee to sit back and knelt between his legs, laying hands on the wounded one that was throbbing in time with Lee’s heartbeat and making sure he was resting it once more. 

Lee felt cold and clammy, clenching his fists against the minute trembling running all through his body from the sudden movement and pain. 

“Then you gotta leave me,” He gritted out, “You gotta go. Hester ‘n me, we’ll be fine, we always are.” 

Hester herself was a shaking bundle of fur, curled over Lee’s right hip; he knew neither of them were doing a convincing impression of  _ fine _ . John hovered over him slightly so Lee had to look up to meet his eyes, tender and heartsick, as he shook his head. 

“I left you once… I can’t do it again.” He curled a hand around the nape of Lee’s neck, fingers sliding into his hair, and pressed their foreheads together. “Especially not now.” 

The pain was receding to the back of Lee’s mind, replaced with an altogether different, but increasingly familiar, burning beneath his skin in the places where John was touching him, the air thick in the scant space between him. The other man’s proximity, the way he touched Lee like he was something precious, was quickly unravelling any resolve he had left. 

“‘M not worth it,” He muttered in a final, defeated protest even as he tried to press closer, slipping his hand into John’s open shirt and stroking over warm, bare skin. 

John’s breathing hitched and Lee felt his shaky exhale across his own parted lips. He took Lee’s face between his hands, running fingers over his nose and mouth, his closed eyelids, like he was memorising his features by touch. It was all too much and not enough and Lee’s heart felt too big for his chest...

“You have no idea how wrong you are, Lee Scoresby,” John murmured, and finally closed the remaining inches between them to capture Lee’s mouth in the sweetest of kisses **.** There was a telltale burning behind his closed eyes then, emotion threatening to choke him, because no one had ever touched or kissed Lee with such reverence before. 

No one had  _ loved  _ him like this, he thought, before he could stop himself. God, how was he supposed to let this go? 

John broke the kiss but did not move away, pressing into Lee as intently as he could with their respective injuries, his head still bowed to Lee’s. 

“I believe in Will; I believe in the power of that knife,” He was saying earnestly, “ _ You _ don’t want me to go...  _ Look _ .” 

Together they turned to see their daemons curled in a tight embrace at the end of the bed. But whereas before Sayan Kotor had wrapped Hester up in her wings, now they were folded neatly against her back as she nestled down into the blanket with Hester draped over her, nuzzling and whispering softly together again. Lee swallowed against the lump in his throat and tried to blink away the tears before they fell. 

“I don’t -” The words were choked and he took a deep breath in an attempt to steady himself, “I don’t want you to go, but… I don’t want you to have to choose, either.” 

They were so lost in each other, so caught up in the emotions spilling over between them, that they didn’t notice a new presence in the doorway right away. John tensed a split second before Serafina Pekkala spoke:

“And what if neither of you had to choose?” 

Lee practically jumped out of his skin, cursing and futility trying to cover himself with the blanket as John pulled away, moving to sit on the edge of the bed but keeping a calming hand on Lee’s own. Lee grasped it, tangling their fingers together; he figured the witch had probably already seen plenty whilst they’d been otherwise occupied anyway and he wasn’t about to deny himself this small comfort. 

“John says Hester ‘n me have you to thank for our lives, Ms Pekkala,” Lee said, somehow managing to meet her wise, kind eyes, despite the way he figured his face must be flushed. “We’re very much obliged.” 

She stepped forward into the hut, her movements sinuous and graceful as always, as though her bare feet were scarcely touching the ground. 

“You do not have to thank me, Lee, you used my gift of the pine cloud as it was intended.” Her beautiful, haunting face turned sorrowful, “I’m only sorry that I was almost too late.”

Lee shook his head, “You  _ saved _ us,” He insisted, glancing at Hester, still curled around Sayan Kotor like she might fly away any moment. “Healed us. Can’t ask for more ‘n that.” 

“What was that you were saying, Serafina?” John interrupted suddenly, his hand tightening on Lee’s betraying his anxiety. “Did you see my son on your way back here? Did you find Lyra?” 

“Will has gone.” It was not a question, but John nodded all the same and Serafina Pekkala sighed, something of the knowing expression on her face suggesting it had been inevitable **.** She paused, as though considering her words carefully. “Mrs Coulter has hidden herself very well, but there are rumours of a woman with a monkey daemon travelling with a sleeping child. Will is a resourceful young man, just like Lyra, and he carries a weapon of extraordinary power. He will find whatever help he needs and he will find her, I am sure of it. What I first asked you, though, was what if there was another way to help them both?” 

Lee couldn’t help the skepticism that he couldn’t quite banish; it seemed to him that the most direct course of action to help Lyra and Will was to follow them, to be with them where they could be sure of their safety. But the last time Serafina Pekkala had tasked him to do something she’d promised would protect Lyra, she’d sent him to John. Or pushed him to answer John’s call. Whatever. And whilst Lyra had found her way under the protection of the subtle knife without their help, Lee clearly could not bring himself to regret the path he’d been set on. His life had changed so drastically since he’d first made that deal with Lyra and the gyptians that it felt like years had passed, and he knew he’d made a show of reluctance when Serafina had asked more of him, but without these tribulations there would not have been Lyra. There would not have been John. 

Perhaps he and John had been brought together to do more still for whatever  _ fate  _ had in mind. He looked at John, who turned and met his eyes, and knew they were both certain of one thing:  _ they  _ weren’t done. 

If Lee had his way, he would never be done with this man. 

“What can we do?” He asked Serafina, looking back to her and watching a small, approving smile grace her lips. 

“Will has angels watching over him,” She stated, as though that didn’t tilt Lee’s world sideways and upside down all over again. “Angels that have pledged themselves to Asriel’s cause. If you wish to protect your children, go to Lord Asriel. He needs good fighters; men like you.” 

“Wait, hold up -  _ angels? _ ” 

John actually snorted at the incredulity in Lee’s voice and somehow that was comforting.

“There are such things as angels, Lee Scoresby.” Serefina gave him an indulgent smile. “ And they both are and are not what the Magisterium would have you believe them to be. They are warriors, charged to serve heaven, but they are also beings of light and Dust and they are capable of free will just as much as you or I. Some angels have been rebelling against the Authority and what heaven has become for thousands of years but only now is there a chance of actually winning.” 

There was another moment of silence in the wake of this declaration, and Lee was still trying to wrap his mind around it all when Hester muttered:

“We are  _ so  _ out of our depth. So very…  _ very  _ out of our depth.” 

Lee looked into her wide, stunned amber eyes and couldn’t even bring himself to tell her to shut up; he was right there with her, clutching at John’s hand like a lifeline. 

John himself recovered more quickly, taking the incredible in stride, of course. Angels probably weren’t news to him, Lee thought, vaguely hysterically. 

“And… you say there are angels  _ with  _ my son?” He asked. 

“They have the ability to appear invisible to the human eye; it’s possible they may have been conversing with him for some time.” 

Lee could only let out huff of disbelieving laughter, shaking his head. “This is insane.” 

“Any more insane than witches or shamans?” Serafina raised an eyebrow and Lee could’ve sworn she was making fun of him. 

“I meant no disrespect, Ms Pekkala, just havin’ a bit of a time taking all this in.” 

“Lee, this is a reason to hope,” John said, and Lee took in the light of discovery in his eyes, the sudden determination replacing despair, and felt something within him settle. He’d watched John summon nature to do his bidding, crossed worlds with him, and felt as though he could face anything in that moment as long as he was by Lee’s side. “Angels know of Will’s importance, and of Lyra’s.” 

“Believe me, the fate of everything rests with them,” Serafina Pekkala said, “The angels know; they will guide Will to Lyra. Now,” She fixed them with an imploring look, “Will you both do your part?” 

“Fight for Asriel,” John said, and Lee wondered if his distaste for Lyra’s supposed father was showing on his face. 

“Fight on Asriel’s side,” Serafina corrected, “Fight  _ for  _ your children.” 

_ Damn,  _ but she was persuasive, and Lee could already feel himself coming around to her way of thinking. There were nothing but hard choices to make, no easy, painless path they could take, and as much as Lee’s heart was pulling him towards Lyra, he had to accept that he just wasn’t able to go tearing off after her. His heart was opening for the man beside him too now; the number of things -  _ people  _ \- he had to fight for was growing. 

He only had to meet John’s gaze once more to know they were of the same mind, and wasn’t that a marvel in itself? 

“We will fight.” John spoke for the both of them. 

Serafina Pekkala nodded, satisfied. “But first you must rest and heal. I will take my leave of you until the morning, when we can work on your wounds.” 

And then she was gone. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last part is finally here, folks! Sorry it took a little longer than usual. I had most of it written out but then personal stuff made it hard to finish. The feedback I've had from our little corner of the fanbase has been really lovely <3 and I fully intend to come back to this Spyglass AU of mine and play around a bit more. Hopefully make this into a series. If you guys would like that? Lemme know your thoughts on that and this last installment (for now!)

For an impatient Lee Scoresby, the going felt excruciatingly slow, but as a man who had healed from more than one bullet wound in his lifetime, he also knew he was improving unnaturally quickly. That was, of course, down to John and Serafina’s skills combined, and as the days crept by he steadily improved. He and John had immediately decided upon a course of action the same night Will had left, united in their new resolve to trust in Serafina Pekkala’s word and join Asriel Belacqua’s cause. Everything between the two of them, however, they were taking at a leisurely pace (out of necessity as much as anything, given that healing from their respective injuries was the main priority for the time being.) 

The lack of “strenuous activity” (as Hester put it teasingly one day when they were alone) was still a little frustrating. 

Lee wanted the small, delicious noises he’d been able to coax from John to blossom into uncontrollable moans of pleasure; he wanted to map his body, trace his tattoos with fingers and tongue, press him down gently or firmly against whatever surface was available, or feel John’s weight on top of him, skin to skin. He wanted John surrounding him and inside of him… he wanted so  _ damn _ much. 

He wanted to run his fingers through Sayan Kotor’s sleek feathers. 

For the most part though, they simply talked and thrived in each other’s company, taking the time to learn each other whilst they were granted this reprieve. Lee discovered John often awoke early to meditate with the rising sun, which granted Lee some appreciated time alone with Hester. They would stay in bed, sometimes talking, sometimes dozing, and eventually John and Sayan Kotor would rejoin them with a kiss and a feathered embrace. 

“Hey…” Lee mumbled to Hester one morning, running a hand over her ears, “I know we’ve had to deal with people layin’ hands on you before…” Hester jerked, suddenly wide awake and focused on Lee’s next words. “I remember how wrong it felt. I remember how much it shook you up. Shook both of us. And how  _ he  _ used it to control us…” He thumbed the chink in her right ear where the skin had never knitted back together. 

“Lee…” Hester’s voice was gentle, “Say what’s on your mind. I reckon you’ll find I’m open to it.” 

Now it was Lee’s turn to be startled. He stared at her beloved face, her dishevelled fur, those bright eyes that were still the most beautiful thing he knew, not that he’d ever tell her that. 

“Would you let John touch you?” He whispered it, because saying it made it a real possibility and he was afraid as much as he yearned for it. “If he wanted to?” 

“I think I would,” She replied, just as hushed. “I think  _ I  _ want him to.” 

Lee released a shaky breath that he hadn’t realised he was holding and smiled, “Okay then.” 

“Okay.” She nuzzled his palm. 

They didn’t plan it or discuss it any further; they just assumed they’d both know when the time was right. 

The moment came the next day, the evening after Lee had managed to put weight on his leg for the first time, and Serafina had removed John’s bandages for the last time, leaving only a raw, pink knot of scar tissue on his shoulder blade where she’d dug the bullet out. (“Just another scar of many,” He’d said, and though Lee could relate, he’d wanted to kiss every place on John’s body he’d been wounded badly enough to leave a mark, as if he might erase the past pain.) 

The graze on Lee’s temple had been superficial, and though his leg still flared up with too much exertion, his arm was much better, and the only wound that remained, still healing, was the life-threatening one he’d taken to the chest. And it  _ was  _ painful, though Lee would admit it to no one, and though he didn’t ask, he still accepted pain relief when John offered it, fixing Lee with a knowing, concerned look. It didn’t stop him from wanting to set off again as soon as possible now that he was somewhat mobile and Serafina had some idea of which direction to head. Asriel, it was said, had established his forces in a fortress high up in the mountains of another world, and as the barriers between worlds continued to break down, his influence stretched far and wide. Creatures of all kinds were rallying to his cause; witches however, like the angels, were divided, a situation which clearly caused Serafina Pekkala much grief and inner conflict. 

“We should go tomorrow,” Lee said to John that evening, after they had finished a simple meal of salted beef and fresh bread bought from the marketplace. They had retreated inside their small hut from the chill as night fell and lit the anbaric lamps. Lee stood with his hands on his hips, trying not to favour his left leg even as his right was aching something awful; he wanted to convince John he was ready. “Every day we wait there’s things happening that we should be a part of. Will and Lyra get further away.” 

“Lee -” John stepped closer, already shaking his head a little.

“Serafina wants to leave; you know she does.” 

Lee had expected him to be reluctant. The man cared too damn much about Lee’s wellbeing, and having someone wanting to look after him wasn’t something he had a whole lot of experience with. The old instinct, telling him to never rely on anyone except Hester, was hard to shake. 

“The clans are at war, I know,” John said. He laid a hand lightly on Lee’s chest, over his shirt and the bandages that lay beneath, as he’d done so many times since Lee had first awoken in this place. “I’m still worried about this, though. And your leg. Healing rituals can only do so much to help the body along, and we have a long way to go.” 

“I just -” Lee sighed heavily, despair and frustration welling up inside him, unable to swallow it down. 

“Lee…” Hester had hopped down from the chair where Sayan Kotor was perched and moved to sit at Lee’s feet. “Tell him.” 

“I feel useless,” He admitted, keeping his eyes on Hester rather than face any kind of pity from the other man.“I’m useless like this, and I  _ can’t  _ be useless. For Lyra’s sake.” 

His father’s voice echoed the word in the back of his mind and Lee closed his eyes, fighting to silence it. 

“Hey…” John closed the space between them, hands cupping Lee’s face and bringing their eyes level with each other; there was no pity in his gaze (Lee realised should’ve known better) only compassion. “You haven’t failed her. You  _ won’t  _ fail her. I don’t know her, but I know you, and your love for her tells me she’s the kind of person who would understand and know you’re doing everything you can.” Lee clutched John’s shirt like an anchor and breathed him in, quickly losing himself in John’s eyes, pools of golden brown in the lamplight. “You’re doing everything you can, Lee,” John whispered like an absolution, “She wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself.” 

“I just...” Lee said again, not really knowing what more he could say, but it didn’t matter. 

“I know,” John murmured, drawing Lee into his arms, “I know.” 

Lee hugged him back fiercely, melting against him, and feeling so completely understood and  _ loved  _ it was hard to reconcile with the limitations he’d always experienced with lovers in the past. No one had made him feel seen and accepted like this; there had been no one he’d  _ let  _ see him like this before. His eyes burned with the threat of tears so he pressed his lips to John’s neck and burrowed deeper into him; John was a safe place to hide now. 

And then they both gasped out loud as Hester -  _ oh Hester -  _ brushed up very deliberately against John’s legs. 

They parted just enough to face each other once more, wide eyed and speechless. Lee could feel aftershocks of the contact running beneath his skin, making him shake in John’s arms, and wanted  _ more.  _ So Hester did it again and the same brief flare of heat had Lee biting his lip, barely holding back a whimper. He wanted John to touch her himself, to stroke her fur as Lee would do. 

John looked down at Hester, sat on her hindquarters with one paw pressed to his leg, staring back at him, then back to Lee, something like hope and gratitude shining in his eyes, wordlessly asking permission. Lee nodded breathlessly, heart pounding, and watched as John tentatively lowered a hand and Hester rose up to meet him, bumping her head against his fingers. Another burst of sensation rippled through Lee’s body, lighting up his nerves, and - embarrassingly - his legs buckled beneath him. John caught him as Lee held on tight to his shoulders and flashed a sheepish grin.

“Alright?” John’s face had that soft look that he wore more and more frequently nowadays, the one that Lee had gradually realised was just for him. 

Lee nodded, still quivering like some damn swooning maiden. “S’good,” He managed, smiling giddily now. “I want…” He swayed forward, capturing John’s mouth in a brief but fervent kiss. “Will you…?” 

“Please,” Came Hester’s whisper of agreement. 

John smiled like Lee had given him the most wondrous gift. “Come.” 

He took Lee by the hand and pulled him down to their bed, scooting back to lean upright against the pillows and coaxing Lee to lie between his legs with his back to John’s chest. Lee went easily, in a way he never would’ve done mere days ago, and let John cradle his body with his own, relaxing against him with the gentle rise and fall of his chest behind him. Then Hester jumped up to nestle at John’s hip and he stroked her for the first time, setting Lee’s whole body alight. 

“ _ Oh… _ ” He couldn’t help the moan that escaped as pleasure washed over him like waves crashing against the shore with every touch. 

It was like nothing he’d ever felt before. It wasn’t just the physical sensations - tingling heat sweeping over every inch of skin, coursing through his blood, breaking over him from the inside out - there was the feeling of contentment, of peace, of being wanted and valued so very fiercely. It was the feeling of his soul being held and cherished in another’s hands. 

Lee couldn’t control his movements; he arched upwards, chasing a physical touch that wasn’t there, then turned into the very real, solid warmth of John behind him, panting into his neck. He clutched at John’s thighs bracketing him, hands curled into his trousers. He knew he was desperately aroused, but it was  _ more  _ than that: it was overwhelming, it was building like lightning in a bottle, it was like  _ flying.  _

John seemed to know when it became too much and eventually withdrew his touch from Hester, holding Lee close instead and running fingers soothingly through his hair. Lee sagged boneless against him, breathing heavily. 

“I’ve got you,” John murmured, pressing a kiss to his temple. 

Lee opened his eyes and realised his eyelashes and cheeks were wet, but after the profound experience he’d just had, he didn’t feel the need to hide or be ashamed; John would not see them as weakness. 

“Lee…” Hester gasped, and Lee looked over to see her shaking so much she was almost vibrating off the bed. He reached out to her and the familiarity, as easy as breathing, calmed them both. 

“Alright?” John asked again, the same as before yet everything was different. 

Lee tilted his head back and reached up to tangle his fingers in John’s overgrown hair, tugging him down into a clumsy kiss. 

“I didn’t -” He paused, still catching his breath, “We had no idea it could be like that.” 

John stroked Lee’s face, his brow pinched as he read between the lines. “Other people have touched Hester before…”

“To hurt us,” Lee said, watching John’s eyes flash with protective anger that tugged at the arousal still simmering low in his belly. “But with you it was nothing like that.” 

“Tell me.” John’s voice was low and husky and god, it  _ did things  _ to Lee. 

“It was - It was like I could feel you  _ everywhere.  _ Not just on me but inside me.” John’s eyes were so dark, almost  _ hungry _ , and Lee licked his lips, wanting the taste of him back on his tongue. “It felt like you could’ve crushed my damn heart with your bare hands but... I wasn’t afraid.” 

“ _ Good _ ,” John whispered as the sound of flapping wings announced Sayan Kotor moving to join them.

She landed next to Hester and bent her head to nuzzle at her fur, scratching light and careful with her hooked beak. Hester hummed in pleasure. It occurred to Lee then that Sayan Kotor could just as easily hurt Hester as John could have, but it was unthinkable that they ever actually  _ would.  _

Lee and Hester trusted them completely; wasn’t that something? 

“Would you like to touch her?” John asked in that rough tone of voice that was steadily driving Lee crazy, and  _ oh god,  _ did he ever. 

He wanted John to feel everything he’d made Lee feel, to prove that he could be trusted with this privilege. And he wanted to be looking at John when he did. 

“Yes,” He whispered, before rolling to the left, so that his weight was supported by his uninjured arm and leg, and settling back between John’s legs, chest to chest.  _ And _ \- he noticed as they both gasped in unison - with their hips aligned perfectly, he felt an answering hardness pressing deliciously against his own. Lee couldn’t help rocking down, chasing the friction, just to hear John make that noise again and clutch Lee tighter. He propped himself up on his left arm and smiled down at the other man, “Hi.” 

“Hello.” John raised an eyebrow in question, though he was smiling too.

“Jus’ wanna see you when I do this.” And with that, Lee (pleased to find he’d regained enough strength) reached out with his right hand in invitation to Sayan Kotor. 

She moved to meet him immediately, craning her neck and closing her eyes as Lee’s fingers stroked down the soft crest of feathers on top of her head. She spread her wings as though displaying them, as far as space would allow, at the same moment John moaned and bucked up underneath Lee, restless hands running over every part of him he could reach. Lee trailed his touch down Sayan’s back, keeping his touch gentle and light, and watched John’s face with a heady mixture of desire and awe. 

He had his eyes closed, his head thrown back against the pillow and exposing his neck, alternating between panting for air, biting his lip and mumbling a stream of  _ yes… Lee… like that… more... _

God, Lee  _ burned  _ for him. 

He traced the arch of one wing, that flexed and stretched beneath his hand, marvelling at the strength in her movements whilst the bones he could feel seemed so intricate and delicate, her flight feathers so perfectly ordered and graceful he daren’t ruffle them out of place. Lee’s gaze, however, couldn’t drift away from John for long, and he wondered if this was how he’d looked at the other man’s mercy. This was John laid bare and vulnerable in the most intimate of ways and he was letting  _ Lee -  _ Lee Scoresby of all people - bear witness. 

More than that, John was surrendering, as Lee had for him, and it was just as profound, just as intoxicating to be the one taking control as it was giving it up. This was a shared experience he’d never recover from, and he never wanted to share it with anyone else. 

Lee could feel himself wanting to cry again and cursed himself for being so emotional, even as John moved beneath him, lost to sensation and unaware of how the rough friction between them was fast unravelling Lee’s self control. Or so it seemed, until he opened his eyes and Lee saw the wicked, knowing glint in them, mixed in with a kind of stunned adoration. 

He simply had to kiss him then. 

Lee didn’t realise he’d stopped touching Sayan Kotor until both of his hands were framing John’s face, lips parting against his as Lee immediately delved deeper, unable to get enough, trying over and over to convey the passion he felt burning in his chest. John’s hands threaded into Lee’s hair again and for a perfect moment it was just the two of them, bodies pressed and moving in synchronicity, mouths barely parting for air, the heat and pleasure building, building… until Lee’s chest really did feel like it was on fire and pain ricocheting down his right arm and back had him pulling back with a sobbing gasp. Of frustration more than anything. 

He rolled onto his left side again and onto his back to avoid collapsing on John altogether. But John followed and ended up curled carefully against Lee’s right side, looking down at him in concern as they both fought to get their breath back. 

“Sorry -” Lee said, in the same moment John also spoke.

“Thank you.” 

They shared a rueful smile tinged with admonishment, and John stroked Lee’s face again, fingers gentle, still learning and mapping. 

“You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for.”

Lee sighed, nevertheless leaning into the touch, cupping John’s elbow with his left hand since his right had been rendered useless again for the time being. 

“I just…” Damn, he really ought to work on saying what he meant, but John always left him feeling like his words fell short. 

“We  _ want… _ ” Hester mumbled, uncharacteristically shy, from where she was wrapped up in Sayan Kotor’s wings once more, and the osprey daemon chirped affectionately, nuzzling her cheek. 

Given what they’d been doing mere moments ago, Lee thought it ridiculous that he should blush  _ now _ , and ended up clearing his throat and avoiding John’s eyes. 

“Jus' wish I wasn’t an _invalid_. Wish we could… do more.”  _ Wish I could show you how I feel in the way I know best, instead of fumbling for the right words and falling short,  _ he couldn’t quite bring himself to say. 

“Lee,” John’s voice was warm, amused, and all too knowing. “What we just did was more intimate than anything else we could physically do together, you know that. The way you made me feel…” 

Lee met his gaze again as he trailed off, both men sharing an understanding in that moment that what they had shared meant more to them than they could possibly say. 

“I know,” Was all he whispered instead, the urge to tug John closer (ever closer) rising in him again. 

John’s eyes were still dark and heated, though Lee could read further now, into the unfathomable depths of feeling that lay behind his desire. 

“Lee, I’m not going anywhere. And I’d be a lot happier if, when the time comes, we could both enjoy ourselves without fear of injury, you know?” He was smiling, playful and wicked, and Lee couldn’t help but laugh quietly. “Besides…” He ducked down for a brief kiss that was somehow chaste and heated at the same time, “don’t they say that anticipation is nine tenths of the pleasure?”

Lee groaned, his mouth chasing John’s helplessly, like gravity pulling him into orbit. “You ain’t helping.” 

When John chuckled, Lee tasted the vibrations of it on his tongue. They exchanged a few more slow, leisurely kisses that made Lee feel as though they had all the time in the world, and made him forget for a moment that there could be anything more important than this. But eventually John pulled back just enough to lay his head on the pillow next to Lee’s. 

“Sleep, Lee. I’m right here. And tomorrow, we’ll figure out a way to move forward.” 

Right. Because there were things - huge, daunting things - that had to be done; some things that Lee still couldn’t quite wrap his mind around. In that moment though, John made him believe that together they could navigate all the unknown paths that lay ahead. They’d managed to do it before, after all. 

And so it was with this renewed sense of hope that Lee eventually let himself drift to sleep in John’s arms, feeling him breathe and watching their daemons nestled together, content, at their feet. 

For what felt like possibly the first time in his whole life, something deep inside him fell into place and settled. 


End file.
